Rotary International Wheel
Rotary Int'l

Fun & Thotful Stuff in our Rotary World
Pillsbury Doughboy
The Meaning of "Real Mothers"
Sharing Everyday Insight
The Interview with God
1st Grade Proverbs
Don't Wait Until It's Too Late
"Bickering Computers"
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Brain Teasers * A Java laugh
Modem Maxims * The Carpenter
The Sandpiper * Jocks vs Nerds
Friday Professionals * Friends
"How You Know You're
From Northern New York"
Bourdeau's "10 Rules to know
if you're a Rotarpheliac"



I'll donate $1 million dollars to the Rotary Foundation in your name if you click this button!

How's your sense of humor?

submitted by Rotarian & Webmeister Marlene B. Brown


Back to top

 

E-mail your joke or story

 

 

People Who Make a Difference

Take this quiz: mentally

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name 10 people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier? The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

submitted by Rotarian Geoff Wheatley, Utica


Back to top

 

 

 

Who Are These People?

Who are these people?
These doers of deeds,
these dreamers of dreams,
who make us believe.

Who are these people?
Who still win the day,
though the odds are against them,
and strength fades away.

These people are ROTARIANS,
they never give in:
they have hearts deep within them,
that are destined to win.

They follow their dreams,
though the journey be far.
They stand on the mountain top,
and still reach for a star.

And when they have touched it,
and their journey is done.
They give us all hope,
for the victories they've won.

So, here's to the ROTARIANS,
all to all their grand deeds.
They follow their hearts;
they are winners indeed!

submitted by Rotarian Jack Maxwell, MESNAR


Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

Two Boxes of God

I have in my hands two boxes which God gave me to hold
He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black, And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
Both my joys and sorrows I stored

But though the gold became heavier each day
The black was as light as before

With curiosity, I opened the black
I wanted to find out why

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused aloud,
"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile at me."
"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked, "God, why give me the boxes, Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings, The black is for you to let go."

 

Back to top

 

 

 

 

The Fork

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order". She contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

"There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastors reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you doesn't it?" the woman asked. "Well to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church, socials, and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, "Keep your fork." It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want them to wonder, 'What's with the fork?'. Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork...the best is yet to come.'"

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of Heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible , and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Back to top

 

 

 

 

Thoughts to Live By...

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend or family member, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

We started our circle of family & friends....
And like that circle....
There is no beginning or end.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
Live it well...

Back to top

 

 

 

 


Women Vs Men

Women: Women have strengths that amaze men.

They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.

They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.

They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.

And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

submitted by Nick Dudish

Back to top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ice Cream for the Soul ...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six year old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and Justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already." - author unknown

Back to Top

 

 

 


 

Age Baromenter - Archaic or History Buff???

How many do you remember? Count 'em.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

 

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

Instructions From I.T. Support ...

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. Support sends you a email with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email messages all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a 'NO DIAL TONE' message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good arguement.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 1268 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a kilo of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
24. When you can't find someone in the Company phone directory, call I.T. Support.
25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.
26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
27. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
30. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in the outer campuses like to keep abreast of what's going on.
31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names & numbers are just a cosmetic feature.
33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
34. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.
35. Keep it crashing!

Back to Top


 

 

 

The Lost Chapter of Genesis??

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

Back to Top


 

 

A Thousand Years Ago Today...

A thousand years ago today...

Someone, moved beyond their own fears and needs... and you were the result.

Nine hundred years ago someone, chose first to understand rather than need to be understood... and you were the result.

Eight hundred years ago someone, chose to accept someone at a deep level within themselves... and you were the result.

Seven hundred years ago someone, chose to forgive a wrong that, after much struggle and heartbreak they discovered was not beyond forgiveness... and you were the result.

Six hundred years ago someone, chose to let go... of an old idea, an old grudge, an old way of doing things... and you were the result.

Five hundred years ago someone, chose to commit to telling the truth no matter what... and you were the result.

Four hundred years ago someone, chose to re-ignite their heart and believe in love again... and you were the result.

Three hundred years ago someone, chose to respond with leadership and vision rather than react... and you were the result.

Two hundred years ago someone, chose to trust, to have faith, in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary ... and you were the result.

One hundred years ago someone chose to connect, to join, to be vulnerable rather than maintain the walls they had built up inside ... and you were the result.

A few years ago, someone took a risk, with a smile, a kind word, a phone call, flowers..... and you are the result. Now it's your turn...

Early in the thirty first century someone will evolve from what you choose to do today...

Choose love over fear and there will be someone as beautiful as you...

A thousand years from today.

submitted by Marlene B. Brown, New Hartford Rotary Club

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE FUTURE IS NOW!

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth
all 6 would be from the United States

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would be near death;
1 would be near birth

1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education

1 would own a computer

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent. All the more reason to be an active Rotarian who's helping to make a positive difference.

submitted by Marlene Brown, Utica Rotary Club

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FRIDAY HUMOUR...

Are You A Professional? The following quiz is from Arthur Andersen. It consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. Scroll down for the answers.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (Simple enough ?)

This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your prudence.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: The Elephant, because it is in the refrigerator !

This tests whether you have a comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to prove your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river, which is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage to cross it ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer ! : Simply swim through it. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

submitted by Al Kalter, Eastwood Rotary Club

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY...


Phone conversations last 30 seconds

You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

Bathroom lines are 80% shorter

You can open all your own jars

Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying

You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go

You can go to the bathroom alone

Your last name stays put

You can leave a hotel room bed unmade

You can kill your own food (but can you cook it??)

The garage is all yours

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"

You never have to clean the toilet (or do)

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes

Wedding plans take care of themselves

If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend

Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry

You don't have to shave below your neck

You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night

If you're 34 and single, no one notices

Chocolate is just another snack

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat (yeah right - do they ever let us drive??)

Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)

You never have to worry about other's feelings

Three pair of shoes are more than enough

You can say anything and not worry about what people think

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day

Car mechanics tell you the truth

You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut

You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"

One mood, all the time

You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him

Same work . . . more pay

Gray hair and wrinkles add character

Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental 100 bucks

You don't care if someone is talking behind your back

You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's

If you retain water, it's in a canteen

The remote is yours and yours alone

You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom

If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected

If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet

Give me a fish and I eat for a day. Teach me to fish and I eat for a lifetime

Presents and cards for family/friends birthdays, holidays and other occasions get magically wrapped

Holiday decorating somehow appears and then disappears

A gourmet dinner is a pizza with everything (and beer in a glass instead of the can)

Cleaning up after dinner is putting the dishes in the sink

Cleaning up the house means moving stuff from two small piles into one large pile

The refrigerator mysteriously restocks itself with food

Remember it is sign of intelligence to enjoy all that you do!
 

submitted by Rev. Mitchell

Back to Top


 

 

 

 

 

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

One old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own... even if she never wants to and needs to...

Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A youth she's content to leave behind...

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it...

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

One friend who always makes her laugh...and one who lets her cry...

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded...

A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love without losing herself...

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...

When to try harder...and when to walk away...

How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend...

How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it...

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

That her childhood may not have been perfect... but its over...

What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it...

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

Where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods...

When her soul needs soothing...

What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

submitted by Marie Lusins, DGE 7170

Back to Top


 

 

 

 

 

SHARING INSIGHT...

A friend sent this, and I think it's wonderful to share:

I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband unexpectedly died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there.

With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, "Before class is over, I would like to share with all of you a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important. Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves ... and none of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is God's way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day,"

Her eyes beginning to water, she went on, "So I would like you all to make me a promise... from now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be something you see - it could be a scent - perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground. Please, look for these things, and cherish them.

For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the "stuff" of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. The people in our lives we often take for granted... assuming they'll always be there. We must make it important to notice them, for at any time... it can all be taken away."

The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook. Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot, or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double-dip ice cream cone.

Make sure you tell those you love that you do. Take time be to with those who are important to you. For as we get older, it is not the things we did or said that we often regret, but the things we didn't do or say.
 

submitted by Marlene Brown, D7150

Back to Top


 

REAL MOTHERS...

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. . .It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

READ ON.........

The Images of Mother:

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.

35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....

submitted by PP Haroon Sulaiman Khan, RC Rawalpindi, Pakistan D3270

 

 

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

AN INTERVIEW WITH GOD...

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

"Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"

"If you have the time," I said.

God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"

"What surprises you most about mankind?"

God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."

God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked: "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

God replied with a smile: "To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved. To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis! To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings. To learn that money can buy everything but happiness. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally differently. To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them... and likes them anyway. To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."

I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied, "Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."

People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

 

 

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

DON'T WAIT UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE

 

Thomas Carlyle lived from 1795 until 1881. He was a Scot essayist and historian. During his lifetime he became one of the world's greatest writers. But he was a human and humans make mistakes.

On October 17, 1826, Carlyle married his secretary Jane Welsh. She has an intelligent, attractive and somewhat temperamental daughter of a well-to-do doctor. They had their misunderstandings and quarrels, but still loved each other dearly. After their marriage, Jane continued to serve as his secretary.

After many years of marriage, Jane became ill. Being a hard worker, Carlyle became so absorbed in his writings that he let Jane continue working for several weeks after she became ill. She had cancer, and it was one of the slow growing kind. Finally, she became confined to her bed. Although Carlyle loved her dearly, he very seldom found time to stay with her long. He was busy with his work.

When Jane died they carried her to the cemetery for the service. The day was a miserable day. It was raining hard and the mud was deep. Following the funeral Carlyle went back to his home. He was taking it pretty hard.

He went up the stairs to Jane's room and sat down in the chair next to her bed. He sat there thinking about how little time he had spent with her and wishing so much he had a chance to do it differently. Noticing her diary on a table beside the bed, he picked it up and began to read in it.

Suddenly he seemed shocked. He saw it. There, on one page, she had written a single line. "Yesterday he spent an hour with me and it was like heaven; I love him so." Something dawned on him that he had not noticed before. He had been too busy to notice that he meant so much to her. He thought of all the times he had gone about his work without thinking about and noticing her.

Then Carlyle turned the page in the diary. There he noticed written some words that broke his heart. "I have listened all day to hear his steps in the hall, but now it is late and I guess he won't come today." Carlyle read a little more in the book. Then he threw it down and ran out of the house.

Some of his friends found him at the grave, his face buried in the mud. His eyes were red from weeping. Tears continued to roll down his cheeks. He kept repeating over and over again, "If I had only known, if I had only known." But it was too late for Carlyle. She was dead. After Jane's death, Carlyle made little attempt to write again.

The historian said he lived another 15 years, "Weary, bored and a partial recluse." Let's try not to make the same mistake. While our loved ones must have the money we make to live, it is the love we have that they really want. Give it now before it is too late.

submitted by Marlene Brown, Utica Rotary Club

 

 

 

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than..................Punch a 5th grader

Strike while the .......................Bug is close

It's always darkest before..............Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of........Termites

You can lead a horse to water but.......how?

Don't bite the hand that................looks dirty

No news is.............................impossible

A miss is as good as a..................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..........math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning

Love all, trust.........................me

The pen is mightier than the............pigs

An idle mind is.........................The best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's.............pollution

Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents

A penny saved is........................not much

Two's company, three's..................the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to Bed

None are so blind as....................Stevie Wonder

Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed...........get new batteries

You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind........get out of the way

submitted by DGE Ward Vuillemot, Skaneateles Rotary Club

 

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71

 

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Sara Lee and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never" knew how much he was kneaded.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife; they have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

submitted by DGE Ward Vuillemot, Skaneateles Rotary Club

 

 

 

Back to Top

 

 

 



THE NIGHT BEFORE Y2K

Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation,
We awaited the bug, the millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced in computers with care,
In hopes that old "bugsy" wouldn't stop there.

While some folks would think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC and I with my Mac,
Had just logged on the net, and kicked back with a snack.

When over the server there arose such a clatter,
I called Mr. Gates to see what was the matter.

But he was away, so I flew like a flash...
Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.

When what to my wondering eyes should I see,
My good old Mac looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be the Y2K bug.

His image downloaded in no time at all.
He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!

Go Intel, go Gateway, now HP, Big Blue,
Everything Compaq and Pentium too.

All processors big, all processors small...
Crash away, crash away, crash away all!"

All the controls the planes need for their flight,
All microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
Out from the modem, came with a bound,

He was covered in fur, and slung on his back
Was a sack full of virus, set for attack.

His eyes - how they twinkled, his dimples - how merry,
His midnight approach though, soon became scary.

He had a broad little face and a round little belly,
And a sack full of virus that quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning.
I laughed when I saw him, though my hard-drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know, a new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink
All things electronic soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system to the next folks online.
He caused such a disruption - could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim with a loud hearty cry,
"Happy Y2K to all, kiss your PC good-bye!"

submitted by Marlene Brown, D7150 Director Communications

 

 

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

ACTUAL CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS:

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

On Sunday, the Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I Upped My Pledge---Up Yours."

submitted by Carol Anthony, P Chittenango Rotary Club

 

 

Back to Top

 

 

 

 

 

 

JOCKS VS NERDS

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?":

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 A.M. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins.

submitted by Dennis McDermott, Oneida Rotary Club

 





 

Back to Top



 







 

10 SIGNS YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's

10. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

9. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

8. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

7. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

6. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

5. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.

4. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

3. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

2. Your daughter just bought one CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

1. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

 

submitted by Brymer Humphrey, Utica Rotary Club

 






 

Back to Top




 

You Know You're From Northern New York When...

a. You only have three spices - salt, pepper, & ketchup

b. You design Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

c. The mosquitoes have landing lights

d. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car

e. You have 10 favourite recipes for vension

f. True Value Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

g. You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

h. You've taken your kids trick - or - treating in a blizzard

i. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow

j. You think everyone from the city has an accent

k. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

l. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

m. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports

n. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant

o. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun

p. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof

q. You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday

r. You head South to go to your cottage

s. You frequently clean grease off your Bar-B-Q so the bears won't prowl on your deck

t. You know which leaves make a good toilet paper

u. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name

v. There is only one shopping plaza in town

w. The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making

x. You find -20F a little chilly

y. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

z. You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots

aa. You can play road hockey on skates

ab. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

ac..You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction

ad. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

ae. You actually "get" these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends

submitted by Melanie K. Graham and F. Robert Williams,
Chittenango Rotary Club

 






 

Back to Top





Bickering Computers

An Angel and the Devil were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of their computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightning flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And, of course, the electricity went off.

The Devil was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.

The Devil screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to the Angels' work?" The Angel just sat and smiled.

Again, the Devil asked about the work that the Angel had done. As the Angel turned her computer back on, the screen glowed and when she pushed print, it was all there. "How did she do it?" the Devil asked.

God smiled and said "Angels Save".

submitted by PDG Dave Flinn, D7170



 

Back to Top




The Sculptor's Attitude

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or ... I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or ... I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or ... I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or ...I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or ... I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or ... I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or ... I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or ... eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

Have a GREAT DAY ... unless you have other plans.

submitted by Al Kalter, YE Chair, Eastwood Club

 

Back to Top







 

The following was presented at Zone 31-32's Montreal Conference:
Bourdeau's 10 Rules for determining if a ROTARPHELIAC
lives in yo home! (Must be spoken with Cajun accent)

#10 If yo spouse done demand dat you attend every Rotary function within a 200 mile radius of yo house...

#9 If yo plates, sucers, chairs, hats, jackets, sweaters, belts, cuff links, neckties, tie pins, vests, shirts, sport coats and underwear all carry the Rotary emblem .... you got yourself a Rotapheliac...

#8 If yo las Valentine, Christmas and Birthday cards from yo spouse are all signed ROTARILY YOURS ....

#7 If because of Rotary yo telephone bill is more than yo house note ....

#6 If yo suggestion that you skip last year's International Conventionin Indianapolis landed yo in the doghouse (to yo Yankess that means the livingroom couch)

#5 If yo spouse thinks a Roto-Rooter person is a cheerleader at a Rotary softball games .... you could be in BIG trouble!

#4 If yo mailman took early retirement because after 3 months he could no longer tote the amount of Rotary mail coming to yo home ...

#3 If yo have the Rotary Wheel painted on yo bedroom ceiling ...

#2 If every evening at sundown yo spouse bows on bended knee facing Evanston, Illinois while reciting the 4-way test ....

#1 If yo spuse convinces yo to get up before 400+ people and make a damn fool of yoself for the Rotary cause, then yo not only hav got yoself a ROTARPHELIAC but yo are in grave danger of becoming one yoself!!

submitted by DGN Ward T. Vuillemot


 

Back to Top






 

Here's a fun and interesting Brain Teaser.

DON'T scroll down too fast- do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly.

FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!

What is: 2+2?

 

 

4+4?

 

 

 

8+8?

 

 

 

 

 

16+16?

 

 

 

Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.

 

 

 

Got it? Now scroll down.....

 

 

 

 

The number you picked was 7. Right!!!! Isn't that weird???

Free will or synaptic wiring? You be the judge.

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.

There's no trick or surprise.

Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time

and as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them...really.

Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something)...

What is:

 

 

1+5

 

 

 

2+4